Earl…2 years ago today.

Let me tell you about the most amazing man….when you talk about tough, kind, inspiring, candid, intelligent, loyal and a downright fun person, you have described Earl.  This gentle man has stood by me through everything that I’ve thrown his way, never faltering in his love for me. I know I have many times made his heart hurt, I know I have many times dragged him into my many ups and downs in life yet he has the ability to smooth things out with a “shit happens” comment, a kiss and we move on, he always by my side, most times quietly in the shadows knowing exactly when and how I may need to be left alone or when I may need his broad shoulders.

Now, let me tell you how courageous and strong this man has been.

Two years ago today this man took a seat in a very unwelcoming chair to receive his first aggressive dose of chemotherapy. After being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer of the neck which resulted in an 8 hour surgery removing a golf ball size tumor which had wrapped around his shoulder and neck muscle he was then scheduled for four months of aggressive chemo and radiation. The surgery had not only taken his neck and shoulder muscles it had also taken his tonsils and large section of his neck. The area of surgery was from the tip of his ear to  just below his chin and from the middle of his shoulder across to his neck.

Earl was to endure both chemo and radiation once a week. He did not take kindly to these treatments, they racked havoc on his body, mind and soul.  There was only a few hours each week that he would feel well enough to eat something small,  enjoy a smile and visit from family, feeling weak but needing to see the outside then the gut renching knowledge that this time was very brief and he would be back at treatment.

Many a times through sheer grit, anguish, anger he knew that he would not allow himself to give up even though right there and then it would be a pleasure to give up and quit this life. Lying on the floor of the shower while water drenched his soul, tired of vomiting, headaches, muscle aches and pain throughout his body his mind would so often say “give up”…….having lost 50lbs he looked frail and  old however, those blue eyes would have the most fluorecent twinkle, his chest would fill with pride as he looked at his family, his hand would reach out for mine……with his quiet strength and the tenacity of Dr.Z to keep him alive ….its been two years.

To no surprise of many……Earl has travelled twice since then one in which he climbed Mt.Kilimanjaro…..keep in mind he has no shoulder muscle, restricted swallow reflex and a distorted sense of taste. It’s hard for this cowboy to not have the strength he once had but there is nothing much that holds him back.

He still tackles the heaviest of physical work, his hands still create art from wood, his love of food fusion still inspires him to tease our taste buds and as always he is with me…..strong, quiet with those fluorescent blue eyes.

Dear Earl,

You have been my rock for 21yrs. There have been, as you know, times that I have walked away, it has always been easy for me to close a door and shut out feelings. Funny enough, you have always quietly unknowing to me left the door ajar allowing me to sneak back in….Many times have you told me how your heart has “hurt” whenever I started towards that door. .. I never understood….I am so sorry.

I have never told you this before but I have felt that heart pain…..its a very desperate hurt that cuts through your heart.

While driving to work one morning leaving you at home wrenched in pain and knowing your day was to be filled with the horror of vomiting,headaches and effects of weeks of chemo and radiation. The thought of losing you overwhelmed my entire being, someone had taken a blunt knife and hacked at my heart, my soul, my rock, my joy, my reason was all going to to be taken away from me….damnit, my heart hurt, it really hurt…I recognized it in your eyes when you first told me how your heart hurt…I felt it.

Thank you for being so darn stubborn, thank you for always leaving the door cracked open, thank you for climbing every mountain with me every day, thank you for being the calm in my restless soul…….I love you.

 
Margaret,

You have a really special person in my father. He is all the things you have made him out to be and more. The one point that I want you to know though is that you are worthy of his love and companionship. As much pain as my parents divorce brought me and my siblings I would do it again to know that he was with you. You have both tempered his wild nature and nurtured his strengths to make him so much more of a father to us, a husband to you (he is) and a person who can leave this world knowing they left many positive marks.

You make him happy and seeing you both together excites me because you both have found happiness in the many obstacles surrounding life. Please continue to push him as you have through the years. You do not accept that you can not do more and your example has pushed him to do things that excite his life when he would have otherwise given up. Your tenacity more than his family propelled him through this period of his life. Do not underestimate the power you have. He would do anything for you to make your day better. As would I.

With an abundance of love,
Your Son
Jacob