Self reliance….there is no other option for me.

As far as I know there is no family history of Parkinson’s so why me? Well, one theory out there and not proven yet is chemicals like bleach, DDT, asbestos just to name a few. All of these especially DDT was used widely in whitewash which was used to paint the walls of huts etc and was also mixed in with grains to keep the bugs at bay. This was used throughout Zimbabwe, Zambia missions and villages. Of course both are now banned and I no longer use chemicals in my home.

What I appreciate about this journey with PD is that it has made me look at some of my restless demons eye to eye, lift my emotionless shield and reach out to people and places that have helped build this self reliant, independent person. This has been and will continue to be heart warming, alarming, sad, happy, self reflecting and very emotional. I can’t believe I just said emotional…me emotional!!!!

I’m not afraid to take a stand…its been a ride, I had to go to that place to get to this one.  I m doing this for me.  Everybody,  come take my hand we’ll  walk this road together, follow me…..Eminem. (Not Afraid).

My earliest memory of having to be self reliant was when my mom would bake these huge yummy cinnamon rolls and other stuff which I don’t recall what they were but I know they were all good, my mom was a fantastic cook. This would be my brother and my food for the 3 day train journey from Zimbabwe (then southern Rhodesia) to Cape Town South Africa to attend boarding school. We were extremely young not even in our teens when we started this great adventure….traveling over the great Victoria Falls. The train windows in those days opened and I would take the green leather roll round pillows and throw them down into the great Zambesi. I would read and read and read some more. I still can feel the motion and hear the rocking sound of the train. My brother would stick his head out the window for hours and by the time we reached Cape Town he would have eyes full of soot and his hair would stand up straight.

For the life of me I cannot remember how we ever got from the station up to the school (Helderberg). My brother remembers standing at the foot of the long road that led up to the school and walking..I do not.  On a side note I do remember years later skipping school and walking down and back up that long road resulting in a few days of hard labor…more on that later.

In later years, I had to be independent and self reliant attending nursing school at Groote Schuur in Cape Town. My parents would visit as much as possible, communication was tough, no cell phones, somehow we always were able to get messages back and forth and my parents would drop whatever and make a plan to be at our sides when in desperate need like a few days before writing my finals my dad drove all the way to sit on the side of Table Mountain quizzing me on every bone and muscle in the body. I did pass my final nursing degree with flying colors…..thank you dad.

Because of having to be fiercely independent ….I had built a great barrier around myself. I always anticipate people leaving me because they have…..early childhood leaving for boarding school, my mother at age 42 and I 22 when she died, my brother traveling at whim, my sister somewhat younger always left with my parents,  my sister and dad moving to the USA after my mother died left me on my own.  My first love left me , I was devastated and made some bad choices . All these things do make for self reliance and building a protective wall and made me fearless.

I do not regret any of my life learning to be independent and have never been angry, felt abandoned or angry at any family, friend or relationships. It’s been an adventure. I have travelled throughout the world starting at a young age.  I have swam with crocs, smelt the blood and heard the crush of bone from a fresh lion kill, almost died from drowning and tick fever…I remember in the middle of the night fighting huge bush fires that were threatening the villages, all you saw were miles and miles of fire, there was no such thing as a fire department. It was us and the people of the villages and mission that would take branches, wetting them and start hitting the ground in front of the fire hoping that the wet ground would prevent the fire from going any further….this could take days. The fun times were when we would travel with my dad to meet with the chief of a village who would in a lot of cases make us wait outside the village sometime for days before he would send out his elders to tell us that he would meet with my dad or he would deny meeting with my dad. My dad had a very strong relationship with all the villages and their community. It was so much fun for us kids to play with the village kids. We never knew color all we knew was friendship, I know that is why I can’t and never will understand or wrap my head around people that look at each other as a color and make judgement based on that….how ignorant and quite frankly I have zero tolerance for those types. I have such a vivid memory of a few of us kids deciding to go down to the Magoi River to swim and after what seemed too short a fun time being escorted back to the house and punished for going down to the river without permission…you see, we always had to have the clear that there were no lions around and if there was that they had eaten in the last couple of days and would be no threat to us. The funny thing is, is that the river was full of crocodile and hippo but that was never taken into account. I have loved every moment…I have learned to be resourcesful, self reliant and extremely independent and fearless.

My mother did a great job in her short life teaching us quietly but purposely how to move forward, always look to the future, take risks, be adventurous, get up and learn from mistakes, never stop learning, listen more than you talk, have strong conviction, stand your ground when it’s the right thing to do but be humble. Be silly, have fun and love with all your heart.